Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize