I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if only i could text you this smell
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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