I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
