Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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