Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
