I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
4 words: hood of his car
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
