Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize