i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
