You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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