you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
