Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize