eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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