If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
