I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
