Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize