Already got asked if we're dating
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to make out with him forever
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
