I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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