you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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