i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
