I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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