can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
