it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
