At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
