how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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