R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
