Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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