I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
