Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
