you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
