thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
