Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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