Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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