how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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