she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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