Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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