I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
