I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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