Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Farmville is her only friend.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
