I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
