you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
