so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
