I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
