My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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