Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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