just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
