who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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