i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize