Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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