My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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