I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
