Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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