I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
