i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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