gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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