I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
