Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
