Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
