I didn't shave. On purpose
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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