Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
