Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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