she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
