Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
