I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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