My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
