I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
