I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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