i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
